Do you think you might be settling in your new or current relationship? Do you want to be loved & cherished yet that isn’t your experience? Are you interested in a long-term partnership and questioning if the person you are dating is someone you want to continue to invest your time, energy and love into? If any of these questions resonate as true for you, it may be a good time to empower and value yourself and your choices. See if any of these points ring any alarm bells:
10 Good Reasons to DTMFA: Dump the Motherfucker Already (Dan Savage’s kick’n to the curb acronym)
1. They won’t make plans with you.
Making plans and dates with someone tells them that they are important to you. If the person is only up for spontaneous hang outs, and doesn’t make dates and plans with you, or if they are a “maybe,” to things you suggest, they are either 1) waiting to see if something or someone better is going to show up and so keeping their schedules open to accept that new, shiny offer or 2) they have commitment issues. If you like to make plans with people and have asked for what you need, get the message that the person is resistant, you’re not a match, and DTMFA. And then get out there and find someone who DOES want to make plans with you!
2. You are not a priority.
There are two places to look with this one: where the person spends their time and money. Who we make time for says a lot about our priorities. If your new lover devotes all or the majority of their time to their work or going out with friends and creates no time for you, or squeezes you in, you aren’t a priority. The same goes for money. If the person is going out for meals and/or drinking nights, or buying bottles of wine to share at picnics with his good looking woman neighbour “friend” and then saying he has no money for a meal with you you know what time it is … it’s DTMFA time! You want someone who has a life and is up for creating a NEW relationship … one with you!
3. Your time together is spent “hanging out.”
When they do make plans with you it’s during the week or on weeknights and never on the weekend. Your time together is casual: you “hangout” and then might make out or have sex. Casual hangouts and casual sex is fine if you’re wanting a casual relationship, lovership, or booty calls. On the other hand, if you are wanting a relationship, weekend dates, sharing meals, going to events, getting up to fun, meeting each other’s friends and socializing with others is appropriate and building. If you’ve had more than 3 meet ups and you’re still just going for coffee, get clear on what you (and the other person) wants or switch gears and DTMFA.
4. They lied to you.
And yes, omission is a lie. So is withholding the truth, telling half truths, and “white” lies. Lying is lying. Secrets and lies destroy a relationship. One time is an alarm bell. Two or more times equals a lack of integrity and issues of control, manipulation, and very possibly psychological and/or pathological issues. Lying is a very loud alarm bell to DTMFA!
5. They make no effort.
This can range from not texting you back prompty/within a few hours, not making the time to pick up the phone and calling you, not planning dates to not putting any care into what they wear. I regularly shake my head when I see a well-presented woman next to a man wearing scuffed pants, joggers, or sneakers that aren’t “dressup/new looking” kicks. You know what I mean. Most women usually take the time to make an effort … and it’s important that the people we date do to. If the person doesn’t take the time to shower, put on clean clothes, look up movie or gallery times, make a reservation, basically put in some effort & thought, they aren’t the kind of person that will savour you. DTMFA.
6. They don’t share the same 4 or 5 top values as you.
Yes, this does mean you want to take the time to write down what your 4 – 5 top, non-negotiable values are. See my article that guides you how to do that here. Differences in how we approach life, and even our beliefs, are wonderful and inspire growth; however, when discovering if a person is relationship / partner material one thing to really pay attention to and ask yourself is: are your 4 – 5 top values a match? If they aren’t a match you want to get in reality, give up any “wishful” or “hopeful” thinking, and DTMFA. Create the space for someone who does match your values, who will meet you in a space of harmony and co-creation, to show up!
7. They are a verbal bully.
Does the person criticize you, make you wrong, judge you, put you or others down? Do they have anger issues and raise their voice? They might even justify and excuse it. Guess where verbal bullys belong? In therapy … not your life. DTMFA.
8. They don’t make time or value responsible, adult basics.
Is their environment, health, home, car, or finances a disorganized and a mess? Avoidance & uncleanliness often signals some sort of resistance, drama, or chaotic life. The external mirrors the internal. If they don’t make time for the responsible, adult basics they don’t value the basics and so they may not very available to create new, fun, adventures of quality with you. They will likely offer lots of excuses and justifications as to why they “can’t” get up to the fun & adventures you are wanting to co-create with them. Kind of like the excuses they might make in point #7 above. If you are in a place of clarity and seek an equal partner, DTMFA.
9. Does the person have trust issues?
Do they question where you’ve been and with whom? Do they stalk your social media accounts yet not add you to theirs? Do they offer lots of justifications for not trusting you and others? Is the world against them? Want to know who has trust issues? People who are untrustworthy. And often, people who lie and cheat. DTMFA. Like yesterday already.
10. Do you like them?
No matter how enthralled or infatuated, or how much you have grown to love and care for the person, can you see yourself liking them as your best friend, enjoying conversations, laughing, and being at ease, in 10, 20 or 30 years? Do you look at them and think anything along the lines of: “I actually don’t share or appreciate your core values or beliefs … if we weren’t having sex, I probably wouldn’t want you as a friend … I don’t experience authentic intimacy with you … I don’t feel free to be myself with you … I don’t experience being heard or understood … you have a LOT of work to do … if only you did (fill in the blank) … if only you were (fill in the blank).” These are very clear warning signs that the person is not a match for a lasting partnership with you.
Some of the above may also apply to you – and be a sign that YOU are not ready for a relationship. Perhaps you may have some past-based healing to do? Or need to get aspects of your own life in order before you ask someone to join you? The point is, when there are more than a few things that aren’t equal or easily in alignment you need to do yourself and the other person a favour and move on.
Don’t settle. Value yourself. Be courageous.
“You yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection” Siddhārtha Gautama